My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
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Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.