@Brianhopecomedy: My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@ghostkrogh: Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
@Birdhumms: Why is it when someone asks if you've lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
@murrman5: [interview after finishing last in the olympics] do you regret saying "I could win this race wearing flip flops" [pulls mic close] yes
@Mr_Kapowski: To the cars honking behind me, Sorry I held up the drive thru line for 5 minutes counting to make sure I got all 50 of my McNuggets