@Brianhopecomedy: My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
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@tricycle_champ: BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans. "Just throw it all in a lake somewhere," says one long-billed scientist
@joshgondelman: Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say "You haven't seen The Wire?" and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
@djdarrellripley: Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day...