@Brianhopecomedy: My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
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@Sal0630: *looks under bed* *checks closet* *shuts light, runs to bed* *pulls covers over head* *ice maker dumps ice* *dies from cardiac arrest*
@crushingbort: Some dude just ran into Starbucks, grabbed coconut water yelling "white people milk" and left. Went outside, coconut water all over street
@TheCiscoKidder: My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.