My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
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Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed