I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
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Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no