@Eagle_Vision: My wife is gorgeous, selfless, amazing, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
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@0point5twins: Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine? Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
@TheTweetOfGod: Don't take this the wrong way, but you're all horrible sinners and you're going to hell.
@Brianhopecomedy: Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife's friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
@RoosterMustache: Assert dominance over your boss by choosing an elevator button higher than the one he picked & act like its a big deal to wait for his floor