@superdadatron: My wife is in a bad mood. I think her boyfriend forgot their anniversary. Way to go, dude. Now we all suffer...
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@longwall26: "Whatcha inventing?" "I call it a picnic. It's a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack." "Can I bring my kids?" "Sure."
@Brampersandon_: Today's episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
@mattytalks: I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don't remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
@cambuslad: Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets seem to be facing the same way.