My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
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Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
[eats all your cotton candy]
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Clients after you give them your rates
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.