My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
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Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
One venti cheeseburger please.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”