My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
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Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Sorry I鈥檓 late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Me: I鈥檒l take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what鈥檚 my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
I鈥檓 glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don鈥檛 want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I鈥檓 going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body馃槶. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
[in the world of chess]
kings: here鈥檚 a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can鈥檛 even run straight
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
[reverse psychology r茅sum茅]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can鈥檛 afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
never ask a starfish for directions
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn鈥檛 like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don鈥檛 think he won鈥檛 get me anything, do you?