My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
You Might Also Like
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.