My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
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CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Oh yeah that’s it
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!