@Brianhopecomedy: My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
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@AudreyPorne: "Sexy role play.. I'll be a dentist." "I'm here for my appointment" "Did you book in with Karen first?" "No?" "Please leave, I'm very busy."
@PaperWash: [Signing waiver for the show Cops] No no, you don't have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
@byrdie_num_num: It's now politically correct to award kids trophies for last place. On a related note, 'trophy wife' has become rather ambiguous.
@MazMEDEA: Really not sure what's all the fuss about the Queen's #Nazi salute, everyone knows 'Scissors Beat Paper'