@Brianhopecomedy: My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
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@LizHackett: When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I'm having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
@OneFunnyMummy: On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
@MatCro: GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie ME: … G: Only u didn't give it to me M: [nervously adjusting thong] I'm having an affair
@xysist: Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam's ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.