My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
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me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Made something I’m not proud of
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread