My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
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Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
when you don’t want to be too vague
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go