Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
You Might Also Like
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
RT if you could go either way.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’