@shawn_spree: My wife is still mad at me for that 20 minute blank stare I did when she asked me what I was thankful for on Thanksgiving day.
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@taxiderby: Verizon: we don't plan to murder anyone America: so it's ok if we keep murder illegal then Verizon: Verizon: no
@Reverend_Scott: WIFE: What are you doing? ME: IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE WIFE: You're giving the dog a manicure? ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
@dmc1138: Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
@meladoodle: Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time