Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
You Might Also Like
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
👾👾👾
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Why is everyone getting married at me
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
no refunds
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP