My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
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Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.