My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
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Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
when someone compliments me
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U