@JustASmirk: My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
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@Spotzwoj: The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
@Shut_up_Marissa: Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
@MdUNH: If you see a white guy in earbuds convulsing angrily with T. Rex arms, don't freak out. I'm just jamming out to Eminem.