@JustASmirk: My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
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@ohen39: wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife
@EndhooS: I invited Jim for dinner "Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?" [Loud thud on the roof] *sigh* "I'll get the ladders"
@mlkef: Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I'll be a hero.