@JustASmirk: My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
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@ThisLocalHater: [During sex] Me: I know you want me to be "naughty", but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
@JohnLyonTweets: Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You're distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
@KoKeniSasquatch: I like dogs, but it's like having a permanent baby. A cat is like having a permanent teenager.