@JustASmirk: My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
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@Shen_the_Bird: me: alexa alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and- me: is it okay to microwave glass alexa: for how long
@80want: inexplicably call ur boss "shortpants" until he gets insecure & buys pants that are longer. dont stop til he looks like a kid in dad clothes
@mommajessiec: *opens Advil* *takes Advil* *closes Advil* *looks at husband* “Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
@iliezabeth: ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that? ME: a dog ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that? ME: dog ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA