My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
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[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper