@JustASmirk: My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
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@jimmytorosian: I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
@Sam_Alan33: MARRIAGE PROPOSAL TIP: Get down on 1 knee. Ok, now the other. Great! Lie flat on your face. Quickly roll away don't get married you idiot.
@shutupmikeginn: Me: your freezer went out I had to eat all the ice cream sandwiches Friend: it looks like someone kicked the outlet back into the drywall
@truegritrumble: COWORKER: I'm going to my friend's lake house this weekend for a party. ME: *lying* I also have friends.