My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
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There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Hit me in the face with a bird
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.