“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
You Might Also Like
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
*lint rolls you awake*
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.