My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
You Might Also Like
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”