@robdelaney: My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby's head. Sorry babe, I'M NOT A DETECTIVE.
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@noog: [outside eden] Adam: This isnt so bad Eve: Yea Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this [5 min later] Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
@Chloestylo: Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried? Me: You mean after I die, right?
@thedad: Wife: can you pick up milk? Me, flexing: what do you think? Wife: just get a small carton