@robdelaney: My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby's head. Sorry babe, I'M NOT A DETECTIVE.
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@briangaar: Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought "damn magic is dope as hell." #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
@kelkulus: Me: The Calvin and Hobbes movie was awesome! Her: Idiot, that was Life of Pi. Me: Whatever *gets in cardboard time machine, flies to Mars*