@ShortSleeveSuit: My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
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@weinerdog4life: I like to push the "stop time" button on the microwave and walk around in slow motion until my wife calls me an idiot.
@ericsshadow: In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
@MissHavisham: "Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?" the PTA mom asks brightly. "I can't, I kill plants." I lean in & whisper: "On purpose."
@wickedimproper: I'm so old I thought "stfu" was a reminder to pack my "shoes, tie, fedora, underpants."