@ShortSleeveSuit: My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
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@GASmithIV: Like Rachel Dolezal, I too have been pretending to be something I'm not. For years, I've pretended to be white, when I'm actually a ladder.
@PaperWash: Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me? "Nah" *cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect* Cop: *wiping tears* I'm over it
@Clint_Bing: Guy asked me today if I've ever owned a dog. I was like lmao yeah I own dogs all the time they can't even say shit back
@Schooney_Tunes: Got kicked out of Bed Bath & Beyond today for drawing pictures of Drake on their blankets, so they'd be extra soft.