I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
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My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit