@papasuncle: My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
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@HALFniteStand: When a girl comes over for a date, I make sure I leave a hammer and measuring tape on the counter so she doesn't suspect that I watch Glee
@ieatanddrink: For animals with an "amazing sense of smell" dogs sure do sniff piles of turds for a long time before realizing "Whoops, these are turds"
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do? Me: 22. Wife: How many with witnesses? Me: Almost 1.