My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
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Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
New tinder profile pic
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Morning my dudes.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*