My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
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9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?