My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
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HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean