My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
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Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs