@Xalqee: My wife just sent me a text " I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)" .....I hope she misspelled Xbox
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@RobinMcCauley: A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
@SCbchbum: The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
@chimneyspotter: WAITER: How is everything? ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning W: I meant your meal M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
@birbigs: One way to tell if what you're watching isn't really news is if the person is shouting at you.