My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
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her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Jogging
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.