My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
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LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret