My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
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I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Can. I. Help. You.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.