Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
You Might Also Like
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man