@Maui_Speaks: My wife just told me she read all 1800 of my tweets. I feel like I did when I was 10 and my mom found that magazine under the mattress....
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@TheWoodenslurpy: If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
@chrisanna4real: Make sure to change out the condom in your wallet once in a while...so your wallet doesn't think you're a loser.
@ArfMeasures: [mouse wedding] PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN'T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE