@Maui_Speaks: My wife just told me she read all 1800 of my tweets. I feel like I did when I was 10 and my mom found that magazine under the mattress....
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@foodfacenow: Interviewer: What drives you? Me: The bus mostly Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning? M: missing the bus
@cbdoubleu: [Gets arrested] Officer: You get one phone call... *hangs up a few minutes later. Can you turn the radio up? I requested a song.
@robfee: This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
@Smooheed: Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English