@Maui_Speaks: My wife just told me she read all 1800 of my tweets. I feel like I did when I was 10 and my mom found that magazine under the mattress....
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@Brampersandon_: GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle? BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I'm just a regular eagle actually
@utofellatio: Henry constantly confuses sleeping people with dead people. Henry is also a necrophiliac so things get awkward for Henry quick
@adamallday: I like my meth labs like I like my girlfriends: highly unstable and locked in my basement.