@Maui_Speaks: My wife just told me she read all 1800 of my tweets. I feel like I did when I was 10 and my mom found that magazine under the mattress....
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@scottthetwat: Drug sniffing dogs are wrong 80 percent of the time. You would be too if you were sniffing drugs all day.
@SteveSuckington: [Shopping with teen son] *sees hot girl* *waits until she gets close* *grabs box of adult diapers* "How are you doing on Depends bud?"
@trevso_electric: If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
@wickedsuga: When I get startled, I scream in a really deep voice instead of my normal one. Cause if I'm going to be freaked out, you should be too.