God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
You Might Also Like
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.