Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
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Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Based Erika
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.