Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
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LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit