Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
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dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.