WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
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Not today. 😅
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
This could be us… but you playing
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed