[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
You Might Also Like
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
FINE, I WON’T.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?