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@gerryhatric: My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy's still reeling.
@lizard_wizard77: “i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
@Elizasoul80: When people ask "what do you do" I try to seem normal by saying things like "Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there."
@rickolantern: Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that's still in your mouth,
You're going as a pirate for Halloween.
@shutupmikeginn: "Oh, you're left handed?" - people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I'm just doing it for show
@Donna_McCoy: Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.