My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
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My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
wish me luck lads
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
same energy
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.