Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
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Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again