My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
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Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.