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Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Hello, my name is Pierre.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP