oh ffs josh did you not read the email
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People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
I’M CRYINGGG
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]