My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
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People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.