My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
You Might Also Like
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
the rocks need my help
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.