My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
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[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
concern
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
me opening up to someone
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
accurate
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.