My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
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7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!