My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
You Might Also Like
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
opening twitter today
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.