My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
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I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”