My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
You Might Also Like
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.